I was invited to a birthday gathering last week, where I didn't really know anyone beyond the person celebrating.
I got chatting to a lovely person who was considerate in noticing that perhaps I didn't know many people, and who I chatted quite happily with. I mentioned that I'd need to head off shortly as I was getting the train, and they asked where I was from.
'Hassocks'.
'Oh. I stayed in Hassocks with my partner and found it really boring'.
Now this blog is not to debate whether that comment was helpful or necessary, and what I'm sure of is that no offence was meant - it was clumsy if anything.
What I found enlightening was my internal response. I felt immediate defence of the village I grew up in, and returned to as an adult to bring my children up in. I realised without hesitation that the village I'd chosen to live in was so much more significant to me than I had probably paid attention to for a long time.
It reminded me of times when I might have a moan about someone close to me, needing someone to listen and let me exorcise some frustration. But noticing that often, the moment they perhaps join in the criticism, I feel defensive and move into protection mode. It reminds me that despite the difficulties, they matter hugely to me, and having that mirrored back allowed me to remember.
So my wondering is - what does defence speak to us? and how can we utilise it for information about ourselves and others? and can it be a helpful tool? It often seems to get a bad press - 'You're SO defensive', and the natural extension of that seems to lead to the possibility of confrontation, which can feel scary.
I suppose there's a separation here of the experience held, and the behaviour around the experience. Had I moved into aggression with the person above who offered their opinion of Hassocks, I might need to explore my choice of response. But if I remember that boundaries serve as our first line of defence, then my internal response feels natural and rational - something I love was critiqued, and I felt hurt.
But I was grateful for the reminder. Which naturally led to me wondering - who and what else do I care deeply about, so much so that I would jump (internally perhaps) to their defense, but that I have forgotten matter to me to that degree. And how can I remember their importance, in the melee of the day to day, so I don't need a judgement to remind me.
So I guess this ramble is speaking of defense, recognition, and gratitude.... and how to find balance.
Counselling - not always answers or revelations. Sometimes just wonderings and curiosities!
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