....you don't cry....you please others before yourself....you don't get angry....you are successful....you are quiet....
In an ideal world, there would be unconditional love available to us all.
In reality, often love and approval become increasingly conditional, based on what is acceptable and valuable to others.
Every time we are offered conditional love, on the basis that we behave in a certain way, we create a picture of ourselves based not on our own experiences, but on the values and judgements of others.
These messages develop, in childhood, often without our knowledge, to become our Conditions of Worth. They can come from our family of origin directly, and also the society or culture we live in.
We learn that we will be approved of, or perhaps even loved, if we comply with these conditions. Conversely, we create a belief that we will be disapproved of and perhaps become unlovable, should we break these rules.
These behavioural codes can tend to follow us into adulthood, and can cause tension between our authentic selves and the self concept created in our early years. This can lead to unhappiness and emotional difficulties. We start to feel confused about our self worth and our own values.
And these conditions can be internalised so well, that we are not even aware we are living by them.
And our task? According to Carl Rogers, who developed the idea of our Conditions of Worth, it is to identify when these rules feel false to us. To resist and reject conditions that prevent us from living our lives as our true selves.
Do you behave in ways that seek to gain approval from others? Do you know where this has come from? Has it affected your relationships with others?
Do you know what your Conditions of Worth are?
Perhaps ask yourself this question, and answer with as little hesitation or thinking as possible:
'If I am to be of value, I must....'
And please reach out if you feel this is something you'd like to explore further.
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